questionsdeals.woot community yarn

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So there I was at the grocery store, when all of the sudden...

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Someone hit me with a cart full of cat food.

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The stacked aisle display fell over as I fell into it, and...

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a hideous gibbering zombie stepped out, not looking for brains, but OH MY GOD, Look Out!!!

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I ran out of the store as fast as I could, not forgetting to loot a box of Twinkies on my way out...

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..but when I looked down I saw that I had grabbed the wrong box and I had in fact grabbed Sno-Balls by accident...

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In shock at my erroneous grab, I was too late to avoid running into the mime.

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In silent horror, I reached out to grab anything I could to stop my fall.

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I accidently grabbed the mime's ___ and he screamed.

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Suddenly, I realized that was no mime, that was my sister!

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That's right, my sister, the famous zombie hunter.

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She screamed "Please don't squeeze the snowballs"

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Whereas I grew-up with the need for those delicious cream filled golden cakes, she has an inexplicable hunger for those coconut and marshmellow covered mounds of chocolate awfulness.

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She was explaining how the flavor of snowballs infuses into your brain, making it less attractive to zombies, just as the zombie came out, brandishing cans of cat food (which he had paid for, before leaving the store -- unlike my petty thievery).

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Followed by the store manager, cashier and bagger, all screaming "Come back, thief".

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The store manager, cashier and bagged turned out to be just one man- @loosecannon67! Who could run the store singlehandedly (just ask him about his deals on spam) He had a suspicious looking bite mark on his neck...

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I squeezed the snowballs, activating the 5-second fuse.

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The police and swat team arrived. Evidently the store alarm had gone off.

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But the police and swat team were no help at all...they had been zombified too!

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It was time to call in the heavy reinforcements - the politicans, aka gasbags - and throw the explosive power of the snoballs at them to put a shield between the zombies and the good guys.

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As I was about to launch my first snoball, I had second thoughts. Snoball or politician, snoball or politician. It only took a moment, and off went the first politician, flying through the air!

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Unfortunately the gas did not provide enough lift and the politician landed a mere two feet in front of me.

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It turned out the politician was actually ... Michael Moore!? He asked me how I felt about my health care and if I needed the Sno-balls for medical reasons. I started to answer him that in fact OH MY GOD THE ZOMBIE BIT MICHAEL MOORE!

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Imagine my surprise when the zombie began to spit him out.

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I turned and ran behind the store, jumping into a dumpster and was relieved to find....

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...a time-limo, I had read about these someplace.

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I got in the [surprisingly small] time-limo, which I heard could lead you to some kind of special "garbage" with magical powers.

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As I turned it on, the engine sputtered, sparks flew out of the dash and then there was a horrible grinding sound and black smoke exploded from under the hood.

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And who should appear in front of the car as I got out but the badly-burned Albanian boy from the day before...
(Not being racist - it's from Flight of the Conchords' song "Albi the Racist Dragon")

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...who gave me a warning...

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Ralph Nader is going to be investigating my flaming timelimo.

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Meanwhile, across the ocean a crack was forming in the floor of the ancient and forgotten Trollpathian temple. Churlish, shrill voices could be heard emanating from the widening crack: "I saw it cheaper somewhere else and with free shipping," "This deal sucks," "Fail!" "I'm offended."
The trolls were emerging one by one to run amok amongst us. Humanity was doomed.

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Riding up, from the distance, to rescue us, was none other than Paladin. Dismounting, he said, "I bring friends from the underworld, and the dark places few mortals dare to mention. Meet the Deal Zombie."

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That is how the legend of Paladin, the Troll Hunter began.

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"came to an end," the Troll-Hunter finished, as it bashed Paladin to death with its two mighty arms, a tattoo on one that said "who buys", and on the other that said "this junk".

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...and the Paladin, who was formerly Lawful Good, rises up from the dead, as we realize that he's become a zombie! Fear the Lawful Evil Zombie!

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@thefenst attempts to cast Magic Missile on the zombie. He rolls his trusty D20, and the resultant roll is...

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...2 and he slaps himself in the forehead and exclaims, "Why, oh why, didn't I use my lucky D100, that always ends up on 100?"

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Meanwhile back at the ranch, some one was rustling the cattle. That wasn't the worst of it. The cattle would turn up days later each wearing a fez and "Thanks for all the fish," spray painted on their sides.

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@lavikinga: I resemble that remark. You'd better watch your phraseology, missy.

One of the cows was wearing a fez with a gold star. She began to prophesy, "Lo, I bring you a warning. Among you shall arise one, whom you should trust, and give homage to. He will appear as a Land Shark, and you will wonder at his beauty."

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@theflounder: The signs of the coming Apocalypse, they are all around. All will quake before the Land Shark and bow down to his mighty word and writ. He shall be Judge and Jury.

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And then, "it came out of nowhere", a mysterious blue box.