questionsanyone have some "new" jokes i can tell my…


A quick google search will give you millions of joke results. Here's just one that I found:


My friend thinks he's smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.


Erwin Schrödinger walks into a bar.....or did he?


Try /r/jokes

There are a lot of really good ones there. Some might be inappropriate, depending on your grandfathers sense of humor, but it's a good place for a chuckle


"Do you know why they call them seagulls? Because if they were by a bay they'd be called bagels (baygulls)."

It's pretty cheesy, I know. That's all I've got today.


My old favorite:

"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"
"It was dead."

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?"
"Monkey see, monkey do."

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?"
"Peer pressure."

My favorite as a kid:
"What's the red stuff between the elephant's toes?"
"Slow natives."

My other old favorite, not appropriate for all crowds:
"Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger?"
"They wanted the next generation of Kennedys to be bullet-proof."


Another longtime favorite (sorry, I am bored today)

Heaven and Hell

Heaven Is Where:

The French are the chefs
The Italians are the lovers
The British are the police
The Germans are the mechanics
And the Swiss make everything run on time

Hell is Where:

The British are the chefs
The Swiss are the lovers
The French are the mechanics
The Italians make everything run on time
And the Germans are the police


What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"


how crude is his sense of humor? if you want clean stuff - i don't have much for you lol.


@mlutz3: I'll let the OP dictate how tasteless the thread should go lol.. but to specify - most of the ones i would consider funny are bound to offend someone... dead baby jokes, blonde jokes, lawyer jokes, chauvinistic jokes, etc...


Hey Grandpa, remember the joke I told you about Alzheimer's yesterday?


With Chelsea's wedding coming up, Hillary wanted to play the proper Mom.

She asked Chelsea, "Have you had sex with Marc yet?"

Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad."


@jsimsace: The op was looking for something modern. The Clinton jokes are way too old.