questionswhat's your best one liner?

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I assume pick-up lines count? "If you were a booger, I'd pick you." <3

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The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you (but it's on the list.)

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Light travels faster than sound, so that's why some people seem to be bright until they speak.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, but wisdom is not trying to add one to the fruit salad.

Don't fight with women: they can't hit you as hard, but they aim lower.

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Confucious say : Man standing on toilet is high on pot...

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As part of an online discussion, another guy (who I've been friends with for years) called me a "fat mtherfcker"

I replied that I blamed my "Oedipus Complex Carbohydrates"

/sorry

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A bar walks into Albert Einstein

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In Soviet Russia, line bests you.

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Rectum? Damn near killed em!

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When in doubt, rub one out.

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@politicsisevil: Confucious say : Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Can I squeak in a 2-liner?:

Man: "Excuse me, but you look like Helen Greene!"
Woman: "You should see me in pink."

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@politicsisevil: Confucious say: Man who walks through turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.

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Mine was, That's what she said.

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Liquor...I hardly know her!

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A flasher exposed himself to three nuns; two of them immediately had strokes but the third one was standing too far back to reach.

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Our Credit Manager is Helen Waite - if you want credit, go to Helen Waite.

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@dleffert: Reminds me of an oldie I heard from Red Skelton:

"Ladies and gentlemen, a red handbag has been found in the lobby by a Miss Helen Hunt. So if you've lost a handbag, you can go to Helen Hunt for it."

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@dleffert: Complaints? Speak to Heywood Jablowmi.

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I need you like I need an A-Hole on my elbow.

Confucius say: Man that go to sleep with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger.

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I once was sad that I had no hat till I met a man with no head

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add (Stephen Wright)

I haven't slept for 10 days, cause that would be too long (Mitch Hedberg)

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@xdavex: Am still laughing at Bangkok....hours later. :-D

Thank you OP and everyone! So good to LOL!!

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Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather restraints. -- Emo Philips

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Be careful out there, 'cause you're no good to me dead- after about 5 minutes.