Deals.Woot

Drugs are bad mmmmkay.

Eventually they all get what's coming to them.

"Next Monday, buy a Powerball ticket with the following numbers: XX XX XX XX XX"

Winning lottery numbers is good and right after I won that I would go bet all the money on whatever long shot horse race I would win then take that money and put it into the stock market and double it everyday by day trading. Eventually I should be the richest man in the world and use my money to influence our gov't to actually make the world better for the everyday people like most of us are. Free college tuition for every one sounds like a good start:)

Go hug your dad.

Get the BFA, no matter how hard you have to fight your parents. Stick up for yourself to bullies no matter how embarrassed you are. And buy Apple stock.

"Dude, the future is amazing! They have phones where you can actually talk to people IN THE PAST! But it only works for 15 seconds, so I should probably tell you something about the girl you're gonna marry. She's got the biggest..." click

It gets better. Waaaaay better!

Buy Berkshire Hathaway

Buy Google/Apple stock

Take the Blue pill.

Beginner: "She's not that big a deal. Lots of girls you'll meet later are WAY better than her."
Intermediate: "Buy a lottery ticket on X day with Y numbers."
Expert: "Here are the premises of all the top selling movies between then and 2012. Here's a list of all the major world events that happen between then and 2012. Here's a list of all the major scandals between then and 2012. You should be able to get rich, become famous and blackmail some major celebrities with that."

The winner of 10 years worth of superbowls.

She'll never like you. Cut your losses. The girl on the Softball team. Now she has a crush on you. Go for it.

That a-hole jock that keeps bullying you? Yeah, he turns out to be fat, unemployed, and just an all-around loser. Congratulations, you won! Or will win.... You know what I mean.

Keep doing what you're doing. It gets pretty crappy for a long while, but it's worth it in the end.

Stop being such a coward. Take some risks, dammit!

As with what others have said, purchase stocks in:

Google, IBM, Starbucks, etc.

Don't buy the first house you're planning to buy, wait 2 years for the markets to crash, then re-buy that same house for 1/4 the price.

Oh, and get knee repaired when you're still in college, it's not "fine" and don't just "deal" with it.

"Start playing the lottery, pal."

Lose Weight! Thin people get further ahead than fat people. Save your money, learn the power of compound interest. That way you'll have enough saved that it won't matter how many times you lose a job during your working career, you'll have enough money to make it thru the tough times.

College GPA matters - go to class - it helps!! Also the winners of the super bowls for every year in my early-mid 20's.

DO NOT have sex with that woman.

"When you're 18, you'll buy a '66 Mustang for $600. You'll have the money from a car accident you'll be in next year. Drunk running a stop sign, (he dies), broadsides the car, your back will be broken. You can't change that (I know you tried your damndest to not go on that camping trip with your parents). Don't sell the car for $50 when it no longer runs (that will be your biggest regret in life!), get it fixed!"

south park reference

"Buy six copies of every little cheaply made punk record you see and keep them in mint condition. Do this until you graduate college. I'll take it from there."