questionswhat's the funniest nerdy joke you know?

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

LOL I know, I kill myself sometimes....

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Heisenburg is out driving one day and gets pulled. The cop asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "Not at all, but I know exactly where I am."

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading “WHERE AM I?” and hold it up for the building’s occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer.”

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Okay, that wasn't the funniest one I've ever heard. Maybe this one.

Bartender says "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!"
A tachyon walks into a bar.

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...The problem with jokes about UDP is that you never know if the other person gets them.

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What is red and smells like blue paint?
.
..
...
....
.....
Red paint

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Poor little doggie
lapped a puddle on the floor.
What he thought was H2O,
was really H2SO4.

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Here's another one, also from chemistry class:

What is 1E-09 boo?

pica-boo!

It's funnier in a heavy Chinese accent.

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@rprebel: A man takes a hot air balloon ride and gets blown wildly off course. He sees another man on the ground and yells down to him."Hey, do you know where I am? I'm supposed to meet a friend after my ride, but I'm worried that I'm too far away now to get back in time." The man replies, "Yes. You're 40 feet above the ground in a hot air balloon, at 38 degrees north, 97 degrees west." "You must be an engineer." "You're right, but how did you know?" "You've wasted my time by giving me a technically correct but completely impractical answer. I'm still lost and late." "You must be an executive." "Yes, how did you know?" "You got yourself lost and made promises you couldn't keep, complained when I tried to help, and somehow the whole situation is my fault now!"

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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer and asks "How much?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge."

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For Star Trek nerds: Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling? He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

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I still chuckle when every time..

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@jordan711: I didn't get it at first, but then after a second, I got it. Nice play on chemistry and the english language

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@lumpthar:
you kinda stole mine!
Johnny was a Chemists Son,
But Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H20,
was H2SO4.

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A biologist, a mathematician, and a physicist are having lunch at a cafe across the street from a hotel. As they are eating, they see two people enter the hotel. A short while later, they observe three people leaving the building. The biologist remarks "they must have reproduced while they were inside!" The physicist smiles and says "no, there must be some part of the system we cannot observe!" The mathematician thinks for a second and says "if one more person walks in, the building will be empty."

A physicist, a marine biologist, and a chemist are walking down the beach. As the wind picks up, the physicist gets terribly excited by the wave mechanics, runs into the ocean and disappears beneath the water. The marine biologist, thinking of all the wonderful aquatic life, also gets excited and runs into the water and vanishes. The chemist thinks for a moment, pulls out a notebook, and writes "the physicist and biologist are soluble in water."

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A farmer hires a physicist to help him get more milk from his cows. The physicist agrees to help, and after several weeks of deliberation, announces he has a solution that will increase milk output. He says, "Let's begin by considering a spherical cow..."

A neutrino walks into a bar, orders a beer, and doesn't interact with anyone.

I also really like when a friend asks me "What's up?" because I can give the deadpan reply "Entropy."

(Yes, I have a lot of these. Physicists tend to go either insane or inane.)

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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium

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What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell.

If you don't get it... Adele.

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@snoopjedi: I get the jokes in the first, but the second post just lost me.

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Two peanuts were walking down the street... one got assaulted.

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Two men walk into a bar. The first man asks for H20. The second man asks for H20, too. The bartender hands them their drinks, and after finishing their drinks the second man drops dead.

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How do know a computer programmer is an extrovert?

He looks down at your shoes.

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There are four engineers in a car; an electrical engineer,
a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and
the three engineers look at each other wondering what
could be wrong.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the
electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault
might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars,
suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified
and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about
anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we
close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the
windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"

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Before I started reading all the jokes, I thought.,.. "what could I add"... and my favorite would have been the UDP joke, but someone beat me to it.. that's OK... I'm sure many people here did not get it.

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Shrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

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What is this?
[img][/img]

A ferrous wheel.

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Not exactly nerdy, but . . .

What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do?

Stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

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'A Virus Walks Into a Bar...' and Other Science Jokes
with Science comedian Brian Malow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7DkeQ0roAM

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Remember when the "dude, you're getting a Dell" guy from the commercials got arrested for marijuana possession?

http://money.cnn.com/2003/02/10/news/funny/dude/

I thought this was weird, because I was always told pot was a Gateway drug.

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A manager, hardware technician, and a software engineer are on their way to a business conference through some mountains. Suddently, the brakes go out just as they approach a hard left turn down one of the mountains. The car veers wide and crashes into a guard rail. Despite the friction from the barrier, they've still picked up a lot of speed and crash into the side of the mountain at the bottom of the slope. The passengers climb out of the car completely unscathed to assess the damage.

"We can fix this," says the manager. "We still need to meet our business objective of presenting at the conference. We'll form a committee, draw up an action plan with measurable goals, then email it to HR for approval."

"I have a hardward kit in my luggage," says the hardware tech. "I can probably find the cause of the failure and repair it."

"Wait, wait, before we do any of that," says the software engineer "we should push the car back to the top of the hill and see if we can recreate the problem."

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It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is an air cannon that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It also seems that British Rail was very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, ultra high speed locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British engineers were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA checked the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Next time, try thawing it first."

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There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

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Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (unconfirmed)

AMERICANS: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

CANADIANS: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

AMERICANS: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

CANADIANS: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

AMERICANS: “This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. That’s ONE-FIVE degrees north, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!"

CANADIANS: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

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What did one molecule say to the other molecule who tried to steal his extra electron?

I've got my ion you!

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Ok..its still a couple lame BLOND jokes, but still WAY nerdy..

How do you kill a blond?.....You put a scratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool!

Why can't blonds make Kool-aid?.....Because they can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in that tiny little packet!

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I was trying to think of a good chemistry joke but all the good ones Argon.

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@captainsuperdawg: The first one is a little tongue-in-cheek play at how physicists are infamous for over-simplifying problems (i.e., cows are not actually spherical, but assuming they are simplifies everything).

Neutrinos don't interact with matter very much, they usually sail right through (in fact, there are billions going through you RIGHT NOW!)

And the second law of thermodynamics says that entropy always increases (in a closed system), so it is technically always "up."

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Oh and here's some more silly chemistry ones.

Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: Helium or curium.

Q: What should you do when a drunk chemist approaches you?
A: Hydrogen.

Q: What does a mining supervisor tell his employees to do?
A: Boron.

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Many years ago there was a mighty Indian chief who had three wives. It came to pass that his first wife was to bear a child. When the time came she was placed upon the hide of a wolf and gave birth to a boy weighing 5 pounds. The chief was concerned about how scrawny the child was but took no real action. More time passed and the second wife was to bear a child. When the time came she was placed upon the hide of a bear and gave birth to a boy weighing 5 pounds. This time the chief resolved he would do something about his next child. More time passed and the third wife was to bear a child. The chief went to the medicine man and asked what could be done to ensure that he would have a child that was a giant among men. The medicine man gave the chief the hide of a hippo. When the baby was born he weighed a robust 10 pounds. This goes to prove that the son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

If you dont't get it: FRUIT FLIES

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The angle of the dangle is inversely proportionate to the heat of the beat of the meat.

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What breed of fish is made up of only two sodium atoms?

2 Na.

{.El Oh El.} 😆

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Helium walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve noble gasses here."
Helium doesn't react.