questionsdo you know any good clean jokes?

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Might not be appropriate for a Disney audience due to the blood reference, but it's not what I'd call 'dirty'. Leave out the swear word at the end.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to take off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I f*cking didn't"

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
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Fshhhh (it's funnier when said out loud obviously)

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Exactly what I am looking for Yes and Ax, Thanks!

The length doesn't matter. You text your joke in while you are in the queue waiting.

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How about the one about the girls painting a room.... Wait, that's not clean.

OK, There was this penguin driving through the desert when all of the sudden steam started pouring out from under his hood.... Oh, wait, that one's dirty, too.

Well there's the one about the nuns standing in line at the pearly gates..... Wait, no. That one is filthy.

Wow. I need some new material before my daughter starts getting into jokes.

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Every now and again, @theflounder has been known to tell jokes. Flounder only knows jokes that are clean. Here's a sampling (this was an outstanding collection of silliness, by the way, and not just from me).

http://deals.woot.com/questions/comment/c582b343-9902-4e66-82b4-99a050b793b6

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@anotherhiggins: Nice, I was waiting for that!

@shrdlu: Thanks for the link. These two are perfect!

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar.The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don’t start anything."

Keep em coming!

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I actually have one that's appropriate even for disney. If you're texting it you might wana shorten it, but there's plenty you could cut out.

A duck waddles into a bar and asks the bartender "you got any gwapes?"

The bartender smiles and says, "no we don't have any grapes."

Duck says ok and waddles out.

20 minutes later the duck waddles back in and asks "got any gwapes"

The bar is pretty busy so the bartender starts to get annoyed "No. We do not have grapes."

Duck just waddles out again.

Duck comes back 5 minutes later and asks the same thing again. Now the bartender says "NO! WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, AND IF YOU COME IN HERE AND ASK AGAIN I'M GOING TO NAIL THOSE BIG FEET OF YOURS TO THE BAR!"

This time the duck waddles out much faster, but in another few minutes he's back.

The bartender stares it down and says "What?" and the Duck asks, "Got any nails?"

It catches the bartender off guard and he says "Oh, no, we don't have any nails"

So the duck asks "Got any gwapes?"

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If I took my dirty jokes and ran them through @figgers3036 dishwasher, would they become clean?

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what dog can jump higher than a house?

all dogs can jump higher than a house, houses do not jump

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@barnabee: Clean is subjective, but I think smelling like a refreshing mix of kitty urine, rotting broccoli, with a hint of spoiled milk might be a bit of a stretch.

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A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister all walk into a bar. Ouch!

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There are two fish in a tank. One looks at the other and says: "Can you drive while I operate the gun?"

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I think this is an old Woody Allen joke:
"Growing up, my brother was crazy. He thought he was a chicken. We would've gotten him psychiatric help, but...we needed the eggs."

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The mushroom always got invited to parties because he was a fungi.

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One day a frog hops into a bank, right past the tellers, and plops into the chair right in front of the head loan officer, Patricia Black.

She stares at him for a moment wide eyed until at last he says "Hello Ma'am, I'd like to apply for some money to fix up my home". Still in shock, she recovers by snapping into her normal routine; handing him the proper paperwork and explaining the procedure. When she gets to the part about collateral she feels silly asking something like this of a frog, but to her surprise he produces a beautiful, tiny and intricate gilded statue of two mice playing tennis. She stares at it for a moment then says she'll have to speak with her manager.

Once she's in the back she starts telling the whole story to her boss and with each word she expects to be fired for mental incompetence for how crazy it sounds. Finally she thrusts the statue into his hands and asks "and what do you make of this"?

He said: It's a knickknack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!

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Question: Why does Tigger bounce on his tail?
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Answer: Because he doesn't want to step on pooh.

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@bleatzor: The frog's father was Mick Jagger;
It's a knick-nack Patty Black give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone.

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@xdavex: A frog with a human rock star as a sire?

That sir, is just absurd!

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after years of listening to his wife complain about him leaving his keys in the car at church because it might get stolen, man discovers one night can't find his keys. figuring he left them in the car he walks out to find the parking lot completely empty. he calls the police and admitts he left the keys in the car, but now it's been stolen. finally he works up his nerve to call his wife for a ride home. she listens and says sure she'll come get him "just as soon as i can convince this cop i didn't steal the car because I DROPPED YOU OFF AT CHURCH TONIGHT!"

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Dave, a consultant died and arrives at the pearly gates where he sees a big commotion. Hanging is a big sign that reads, "Welcome Dave!!!" All the angels are there looking through the gates, trying to catch a glimpse of Dave.

St. Peter hurries out and says, "Welcome! Welcome Dave. It is such an honor to finally greet you!"

Dave, a little taken aback, asks, "Why are you making such a big deal about me? I didn't do anything special in my life"

"True", replied St. Peter, "But it is not often we get to greet someone who lived 183 years."

"But I was only 78 years old" Dave said.

"Nonsense", objected St. Peter, "We've seen your time sheets!"

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There were two beggars sitting on the ground outside of a church, each with a cup in their hand. One was wearing a cross and the other a big Star of David.

As people entered or exited the church, they looked at the two beggars, sneered at the one wearing the Star of David and put money into the other's cup.

This went on all day.

The priest came out and observed what was happening. After some time, he crouched down next to the one wearing the Star of David and said, "You know, no one is giving you any money but they are all giving to the other guy siting there. You might be more successful collecting money if you took off the Star of David, or maybe even wore a cross instead?"

At which point the beggar with the Star of David turned to the one wearing the cross and said, "Hey Shlomo. Look who's giving the Cohen brothers marketing advice!"

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What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell.

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A vulture tries to board a plane carrying a dead squirrel under one wing and a dead raccoon under the other, but the flight attendant stops him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, you are only allowed one carrion."

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...another Disney joke.

Why does Piglet stink so much?
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Because he plays with Pooh all day.

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Why doesn't a chicken coup have four doors?

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...because then it would be a chicken sedan!