questionswhat is the best joke of all time?

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How about a good Knock Knock joke?

Knock Knock

"Who's there?"

9/11

"9/11 who?"

You said you'd never forget...

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What kind of job is this? It changes what jokes would be funny.

So Charles Dickens walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, orders a martini, and the bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

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So Rene Descartes is sitting at the bar, hadn't had a particularly good day, but he knows better than to get too drunk, so when the bartender asks if he wants another, he responds, "I think not," and disappears.

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This guy walks into a bar practically glowing. He's like just won the lottery or something, and he says to the bartender, "I want to buy TEN of everything anyone in here is drinking right now."

The bartender replies, "Whoa! That's an order of magnitude!"

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So a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a computer scientist are trying to prove that all odd numbers are prime.

The mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest is a simple proof by induction left to the reader.

The physicist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is...er...EXPERIMENTAL ERROR...11 is prime, and so on

The engineer: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, and so on

The computer scientist gets smart about this. He knows that he can write a program to do it for him. So he codes the function up, lets it run and it outputs
1 is prime
1 is prime
1 is prime
...

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So a skeleton walks into a bar, goes to the bartender and says, "Hi! I'd like a beer, sigh and a mop."
note: this one requires emotion

Also, enough spamming this question for me. My apologies.

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@trahentis: i don't get the computer scientist one. possible bias on my part blush

if you want to make your boss laugh, show him/her your paycheck. that'll get em but might not impress them

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@w00tgurl: That's a tricky one because each of them is a punchline in itself. The computer scientist part just had him forgetting to iterate through odd numbers. Carelessness is rather a problem in computer science.

The whole thing points out some of the flaws in each of the fields.

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I don't have the time to type it all out (in a clean way) but it ends...

"So, what do you call this act?

The Aristocrats!"

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Back in the 60s, a soldier came back from the war due to an injury that left his manparts severely damaged and without some of their prior functionality. The soldier went to doctor after doctor to get consulting on how he could feel like a full man again, when he came across an African witch doctor who had a solution, by using part of the muscle from an elephant's trunk, the man could regain everything he lost. Skeptical, but out of options, the man goes through the procedure and is told not to date for at least 2 months. The soldier waits the 2 months, and is eager for his first date since becoming whole again. He picks her up, and they're enjoying a wonderful dinner, hitting it off well, when she puts a hand on his leg, and he feels his hearbeat rise. Then, from under the table, up comes his 'trunk', it grabs a dinner roll, and retreats under the table. Luckily only his date saw, and after 15 minutes or so of explanation, she calms down and asks if he can repeat the feat.

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continued:

He replies, "I would, but I don't think my a$$ can take another roll"

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What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are a buck twenty-nine, Deer Nuts are under a buck.

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Why did the blond have a sore belly button? Because she had a blond boyfriend.

(May not impress your boss if blond.)

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I have 2.

We Don't Serve Rope
A length of rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. “We don’t serve rope here,” says the bartender. “You’ll have to leave.”

Disappointed, the rope walks back outside. Puts on a hat and sunglasses. After a few minutes he sneaks back in, sits down at a table and again orders a drink. The bartender sees the rope and shouts, “Hey….I told you, we don’t serve ropes here.” The bouncer takes the rope back outside.

Not to be denied, the rope begins picking at the fibers on his head until it is one big mess, then wraps the whole mess into a big tangle and heads back into the bar. Taking a seat on a stool, the bartender looks at the rope and says, “Say, aren’t you that rope I threw out of here twice today?”

“Nope,” the rope replies, “I’m a frayed knot.”

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And the 2nd. I told this to my "gray haired old lady" coworkers when I was in high school they giggled like school girls.

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke. But the third old lady . . . she couldn't reach!

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Alas, the world's funniest joke was written during World War II by a German as a weapon to be used against Allied infantry. Unfortunately, the creator died of laughter and the English translation is too dangerous to be posted here.

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@caffeine_dude: I'm rather a fan of the frayed knot joke, but it really only works when delivered aloud, which is disappointing for internet purposes.

It's an opposite of "there are only 10 kinds of people in the world..."

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A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he's lost. He lowers the balloon, spots a man down below and shouts, "Can you help me? I promised a friend I'd meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above this field, which is at 42 degrees N. latitude and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but your information is useless and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager"

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. And the fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it's somehow my fault."

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I unscrewed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. It was then, when I realized that my life's a joke.

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What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says "hey buddy, do you know there is a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

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Hey! You wanna hear something funny? -smile-

Dead puppies! :D

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Tom Cruise, Ron Perlman and Arnold Schwarzenegger agree to star in a movie about classical musicians.

The director says he wants them to play Beethoven, Bach and Mozart, but he hasn't decided yet who will play who.

Schwarzenegger stands and says, "I'll be Bach."

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A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

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After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist finally said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said "no hablo ingles."

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A man walks into a fancy restaurant and is told he needs to be wearing a tie. He goes back to his car, and finding no tie he wraps a set of jumper cables around his neck and reenters. The waiter looks at him and says, "OK, you can come in but don't try to start anything!"

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3 blondes walk into a bar, the brunette ducks.

What are the Mario bros overalls made out of? -Denim, denim, denim...

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@claudicina: I hadn't heard the Mario bros. one before. It took me a second, but I like it.

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@trahentis: I edited it! :) I just saw it myself! I love the mario brothers joke!

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A three-legged dog limps into a saloon. Bartender says, "What brings you to town, stranger?"

Dog says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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Unjoke:

Q: How are a telephone pole and a bird alike?

A: Neither one is a policeman.

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I do not see any robot jokes. Robot jokes are required on Woot!

I promise to not get offended.

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@caffeine_dude: I had a great math teacher in school who would tell this joke.

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Three guys are out walking their dogs. It is hot, so they want to get some cold drinks at a bar. But, there is a sign out front that says "No Dogs Allowed." The first guy has an idea: he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks in. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't allow dogs." "It is my seeing-eye dog." "Well, alright, but a greyhound?" "Yeah, they have a really good sense of smell." "Ok, have a seat."

The second guy thinks that was pretty neat, so he does the same. The bartender tells him no dogs are allowed, but he has the same response. The bartender says, "Ok, but a beagle?" "Yeah, they are very loyal dogs," and he orders a drink.

The third guy tries his luck, puts on some sunglasses, and walks in. The bartender tells him, "No dogs allowed." "Well, it is my guide dog." "You have a Shih-Tzu as a seeing eye dog?" "THEY GAVE ME A SHIH-TZU?!?"

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What is silver and lies in the grass? R2 Doo Doo

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What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

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Continued:

One is a scum-sucking bottom-feeder,

the other is a fish.

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A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says

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How do you make Holy water?

Put it in a pot and boil the Hell out of it.

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What did the quadriplegic boy get for Christmas?

Cancer.

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Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were walking down the street, when they came upon a school.

Watson asked, "Do you know what kind of school this is, Holmes?"

Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson ... Elementary."

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two guys walk into a bar. the third one ducks.

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Y'hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job? Yeah, couldn't control her pupils.
That joke won me a dinner and a comedy club night in a major American city!

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A termite walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A dog walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get the hell out of here; we don't like dogs around here." The dog ignores him and orders a drink. Pissed, the bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a shotgun and pulls the trigger striking the dog in the hand -- who goes yelping out the door and down the street. About an hour later the dog, now holstering two six shooters, a bandanna across his face and a large cowboy hat, walks into the saloon, pulls his pistols and start blowing the place to pieces. Finally, from behind the bar the bartender cries out, "Why, why, why did you do this you evil canine?" To which the dog replies in a slow drawl, "Why? 'Cause you shot my paw."

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So this penguin is driving across the desert when he looks in his rear-view mirror and see black smoke bellowing out the back of his car. He quickly turns off the road and finds a small garage not far down the road. The mechanic on duty tells him to come back in an hour and he will let him know what's up. Waddling down the street, he gets hotter and hotter when he finally comes upon an ice cream shop. Happy, he orders a large bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat it -- when he remembers he is a penguin and can't hold a spoon. Undeterred and with no one looking, he just sticks his face in the bowl and starts eating it all up. Looking at his watch, he notes an hour has gone by, quickly finishes up and waddles back to the shop.

The mechanic is under the car, slides out, looks up and says, "Well, looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin gestures to his face and replies, "Nah, it's just the ice cream."

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2 of them:

how many dyslexics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
101... 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 100 to read the instructions.

this joke is presented by D.N.A. (National Association of Dyslexia)