questionswoot da fuq? series one: bathroom mishaps

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When you go to wipe and your hand hits the water.

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When you wake up at like one in the morning and you gotta go pee pee so you go to the bathroom but you don't turn the light on because you don't want to lose your night vision and so you start to urinate and you keep aiming until you hear the sound of it hitting water.

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I was at a girl's house and straight out of Dumb and Dumber, I clog the toilet. Well, no plunger in sight and I see the water rising. I also see that I took a solid dump; one solid, snake-like piece of feces. Within the 5 seconds of dread I experience, which felt like hours, as the water creeps up higher and higher, I take the plunge.

I grab it with my hand, pull it out and the water goes down.

No, that's not the end of the story. It occurs to me as the water is flushing that the length of this movement is what prevents it from flushing, so while my hand is still in the bowl, I bend it and break it off like a french baguette and let the first half go. I then flush the second half.

After pouring bleach on my hand and submerging it in a pot of boiling water, I was able to eat again with that hand after a few days. To this day, I remember this every time I see a baguette. I hope you will too.

I believe I just destroyed this thread with the most disgusting story. Thank you very much.

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@curtisuxor: We have a winner. I don't think this will be topped. Take all the upboats. All of them.

(edit: please keep posting though :3)

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@poopfeast420: Your name is shockingly apropos for this thread.

Thanks for the love, folks.

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One time I had to use the restroom at a gas station, or a barnes and noble... or something I don't remember. I couldn't tell if someone was in the stall, and I didn't wanna knock. I also didn't wanna push my hand against the door, even if I was gentle cause I figured if someone was in there they'd still see my shoes coming up and hear my hand as it lightly pressed against the door as the deadbolt of the lock clinked against the metal of the door. So instead I figured I'd slowly walk by and take a peek through the crack in the door. Big Mistake. The guy was just as paranoid as I was because he was staring out the crack to make sure nobody watched him manufacture his poops. I froze and we made direct eye contact. I didn't know what to do so I kinda just sat there for what must have just been a second but it felt like it was much longer. Eventually I broke eye contact and sheepishly stuttered out a quick "I-I'm s-sorry" as I left.

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When I was a teenager, I lived in Italy and had a 2-hour bus trip to get to school then another 2 hours to get home.

Once in a while, someone would tell the bus driver to stop so they could use the bathroom. The rest of us ridiculed that person. Why didn't they use the bathroom before we left, everyone thought. We all laughed and thought they were idiots.

One day, about half way to school, my stomach started that rumbling sound. Uh Oh. Will I be able to make it another hour? Hmm... I'll try. I laid down hoping the pain would go away. It didn't. So it was now my turn to tell the bus driver to stop so I could use the bathroom. I was so embarrassed knowing what everyone was thinking. Yes, I did go before we left but I must have ate something that didn't agree with me. Sorry folks.

The bus pulls over at a gas station and I run in to use the facilities. NO TOILET PAPER. Suppose this is typical of an Italian bathroom in 1978. I had to use newspaper found on the ground.

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Once you think of one story, they just start flowing don't they? I once went into a stall where someone had left a snake like @curtisuxor. I tried flushing it and it wouldn't go, but I had already been in the stall long enough that if someone went in after me they'd think I left the danged thing. Fortunately it was one of those industrial-school-toilet setups, so I could just hold the flush until it eventually broke the thing. Never seen a heartier baguette. (What the hell are you people eating?)

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@curtisuxor: I salute you. But I won't shake your hand :)

I've got nothing even close to those. Kudos to all of you.

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Was this topic inspired by me?!

Carpet in bathrooms. is So. Gross. My new apartment has one carpeted bathroom. The other two are tiled-- one newly so, one originally. The 3rd was gonna be tiled next year.

Well, we clogged the carpeted room's toilet a few weeks in. I found that when it backs up, it filled to the very rim of the toilet and stops. Terrifying, but good to know in case of future issues, I guess. We got that clog out.

Fast forward to yesterday morning. Toilet clogs again. Plunge for ages. The water's gone down enough to try to flush again. It's got a slow drain going. Or so I thought.
It rises, I get a little nervous, and start to plunge again hoping to dislodge. It doesn't stop rising. I panic and forget how to turn off the water and so it keeps rising. The carpet is being soaked by disgusting. I lift the lid and hold up the thing to stop the water, but it's too late. The crap hit the floor.

So I spent yesterday ripping up carpet and cloroxing ALL THE THINGS.

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I've told this one in another thread once before, but I think it bears repeating.

My husband peed on our kitten. The cat has this habit of following people into the bathroom, and my husband was in there, doing his thing, when the cat (then a kitten) decided it would be a good idea to vault over the toilet. The stream hit him mid-jump, and he panicked and fell into the toilet bowl. My husband fished him out, tossed him in the bathtub and washed him off. He then brought the kitten downstairs to me, soaking wet and wrapped in a bath towel, and said "Dry him off." I asked what happened, and my husband said "I peed on him."

I spent a good few minutes trying to figure out how the cat got THAT wet from pee, and also being really grossed out.

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I was going to add something about either stumbling into the bathroom in the middle of the night and sitting on the child seat, or about bending over to flush and having my cell phone fall out of my shirt pocket into the toilet.

But, seeing the above, I am going to have to go back to college for a truly memorable one.

Dorm restroom, late night. Inebriated students side by side in stalls, urinating. One guy is standing such that his foot protrudes under the wall between the stalls. The other sees this, and thinks "target practice."

The recipient of the wet foot got so perturbed that he decided to crawl under the wall to get at the offending pee-er. I will leave to your imagination exactly what happened when his face appeared under the stall divider...

Note - I was neither of the two people involved in the incident.

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Why did I start reading this right before I begin lunch??? I thought it was going to be like bathroom remodeling mishaps and such!
This is craziness -- we have some sick people here! Funny, but sick! Yuck!
It does make for a great story though...

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@jezebelseven: It was kind of inspired by you, I thought about the topic a few weeks ago when I stopped at a truck stop there was piss on the seat, the toilet paper was cheap sandpaper one ply and my fingers broke through a triple layer of paper and my hand hit the water all in one sitting.

Your story in deals.woot chat just happened to remind me I wanted to start this thing.

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All I can offer is my story. I have been unknown until now.

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@jsimsace: every fiber in my being wants me to believe this really is you. Well... It's on the internet so it must be true I guess.

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@cowboydann: Something that epic has to be true; it's a national law.