questionswould you speak now, or forever hold your peace?


How about this. Get the marriage license, get it signed by all involved, offer to file it for him, then don't file it. Of course you would be committing fraud by doing this.


I think there's not a good way to handle this situation which will cause everything to come out "right". It sounds like your brother has a number of issues and, regardless of what you say or how you say it to him, he will be offended and upset. You can try talking to him, being kind and caring, expressing that you're looking out for his own good and the good of his family (wife-to-be, kids). But he's almost certainly going to take it the wrong way. So, that's a no win there.

You could try talking to the fiancee. Maybe giving her "permission" to not go through with the wedding would be enough. But, really, short of professional counseling, it doesn't sound like there's much that will be able to "fix" this situation.

Sometimes you just have to let people make mistakes and then be there to help them clean things up when stuff falls apart.


Be prepared to lose your relationship if you do speak out. I did this once, and despite being correct in the long run, it ruined a friendship; this is a bit different, but I think the result could be the same.

Best, advice? Be supportive, and raise your concerns in a constructive way, but be ready for the fallout. And if you're right, be supportive, and don't say "I told you so."


Stand aside, it is their relationship, if asked you can express your concerns and suggest indepth premarital counciling, with them both having baggage from previous relationships a councling sesion where they can openly talk about what each others expectations are going into the relationship is a good idea. Beyond that it is hard to convince someone who didn't ask for your opinion.


Neither. People get mad when you tell the truth, and they get even more mad when they catch you fondling yourself at their wedding in a church pew...

Damn prudes!


The angel on my left shoulder says: I think it's too far along in their relationship for you to talk him out of anything, so at this point I would suggest standing aside and letting it happen. If it was earlier in their relationship (and before a child came along), then you may have had an opportunity to talk to him without a huge mess. But now all I would suggest is being supportive. Or at the very least, don't make things worse if you can't truly stand the situation.

The devil on my right shoulder says: Or if you're more conniving, then convince him he needs to get a pre-nup signed. Those can end a relationship pretty quick. Or take him out for his bachelor party and snap a pic of him with a lady-of-the-night in a compromising position. That tends to be a deal-killer too.


It's painful watching other people make what we think are mistakes, but who knows - it could actually work out! :)

(Doubtful, but I'm in the 'stand aside and let it go, and be supportive if/when if fails' camp.)


I would say something to him. Don't do that big dramatic crap they always do in movies (ie wait until the priest or whoever actually asks, if they do...havent been to a wedding since I was 3), but sit down with him and talk it out.

As I'm sure you know, you need to be VERY careful in how you bring it up so as to not upset him and moot the entire point. I wouldn't necessarily voice opposition, but rather concern. Something that points out that you have seen his past and don't want him to get hurt/ make the same mistakes. Pick your words very, very carefully, but I'm sure you already know that.

If nothing else, sitting down with him will show him respect and concern, which is what you want to get across. If he legitimately believes that this is the best for him, her, and the children, then you've done all you can do.


My b/f's best friend in college today tells him he should have said how much "everyone" disliked his fiance before they got married. But would he really have listened? Probably not or maybe? He's now divorced and starting to recover financially.

I agree with everyone here that said he will probably not listen and you might risk your relationship with your brother.

If it were my sister making this mistake, I'm not quite sure what I would do either because this is indeed a tough situation.


I really think you're in Ann Lander's MYOB (mind your own business) area. Damned if you say something & afraid not to. It's a no-win situation for you.


If they need help; advise them to seek PROFESSIONAL help. I suppose you are not a Psych.D or counsellor.

Unless that's the case, don't say anything.


@lll0228: I second this. Don't wait. Marriage counseling is essential for making sure both people have realistic expectations and know how to handle escalated situations. They need an outsider to talk to - you can't get help from a friend who could be biased nor expect that they can be unbiased. A Christian marriage counselor is always better if you don't have a problem with it. At least they try to keep people together when they get married, rather than give up. Any two people can live together peacefully if they're BOTH willing to try and willing to make sacrifices when necessary.


I think you should say, you do not say it is worried that your brother received injury. But this is only a short-term pain, time will heal the wound. The so-called long pain as a short-term pain, you do not say, your brother, I always have a pimple.


They're engaged. They have a set date for the wedding. They even HAVE A KID TOGETHER. Face it, your chances of talking either of them out of it at this point has about the same chance of success as trying to talk the earth into spinning the other direction. It just ain't gonna happen, and more seriously, if you even try it WILL cause drama and WILL cause both of them to dislike you for at least the length of the marriage and possibly forever.

You're better off remaining neutral than to fight an impossible battle with possibly devastating consequences.


@wellsupplier: I've read that 5 times and I still have no idea what you're trying to say.


A little checking shows that all of wellsupplier's deals are for out of China. I'm thinking lost in translation (machine translation).


If you know who will be performing the wedding ceremony, talk to that person and see if he/she requires some kind of pre-wedding counseling. If yes, tell him/her in the strictest of confidence that the couple really needs serious counseling and maybe he/she can intercede here to recommend/demand it.
Also mention that he/she must not let on who recommended it, but should say something like, "a number of your loved ones voiced concern" or something like that.


@wellsupplier: If only I first had some popcorn before reading that, I could've embedded some kernel into my monitor.


It is a bit late in the game to have this type of conversation. The best I can give you is what I asked my best friend when she got engaged to a guy she'd known for 2 1/2 months.
"Hey, you know I'll back you up - but are you sure about this?"
That opens the door for if your brother has any doubts. If the answer is, "Yes, I'm sure!" then you know the rest of what you had to say wouldn't have been heard anyway and you can save yourself a metric ton of drama.

(BTW- it's 6yrs later and they're still happily married, now with a daughter.)


I think that what @thumperchick said was probably correct. You should not be completely quiet, but nor should demand to the both of them that they not get married.

It seems that they are having problems, and may have issues with long term compatibility, at least right now. However, given that they have a child together they have sort of made an irrevocable decision that they must have some kind of relationship with each other, probably until the end of their lives (via the child). It would seem that some professional help may be in order now.