questionscould you forgive a cheating spouse?

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vote-for19vote-against

I don't know. I hope, after nearly 33 years of marriage, I never have to find out.

vote-for33vote-against

I personally know of couples who have gone through this and it is obviously very tough. However if the cheating spouse really is remorseful and works hard at winning the trust back, I have seen marriages actually get stronger because they made it through. I have also seen spouses end it right away....not sure if that is true love, then again..neither is cheating.

I probably would give my spouse a chance to mend the relationship...but I have a forgiving personality anyways.

vote-for7vote-against

so much cheating seems to go undiscovered that the argument "once a cheater always a cheater" seems to have little merit. I know people who cheated years ago who were never caught, and have been faithful ever since.

vote-for23vote-against

I don't think so. Maybe they really do regret it. Maybe they'll change and never cheat again.

I don't want to be around anymore to find out. That, to me, is a breach of trust that I'm NOT willing to forgive.

vote-for8vote-against

I don't think I could really. I'm already a bit cynical when it comes to things and I'd constantly be thinking about whether or not she was cheating again, only doing better at not getting caught. Not the healthiest way to view things, but that's just how I see it.

vote-for10vote-against

If you do some reading, often the one that is cheating is wanting out of the relationship but doesn't have the courage do it right. Basically, they're waiting to get caught. Notice that I said often, not always.

So forgiving may not be the issue as much as figuring out how to move on. It's a major hit to the other person's self esteem.

Yes, been there. Done that. Receiving end.

vote-for10vote-against

I think every situation and relationship is different. I'd hope that I would be able to forgive my wife for an indiscretion.

But if I found out she'd been cheating on me with someone repeatedly over a period of time? No. I don't think I'd be able to overlook that egregious a breach of the marriage contract.

vote-for5vote-against

Thoughtful Q.

I don't think that basic violation of trust could ever be recovered if one were to cheat. Although, the severity of my reaction would depend on the indiscretion or how many indiscretions but most importantly how I find out about the indiscretion.

I think there might be a shot at a recovery if she was to tell me before I found out or before I suspected anything. Along with the loss of trust, if they were to be caught in the act, I don't think my mind (and I'll admit, perhaps my ego) could recover from that.

vote-for7vote-against

I've done it before. It actually happened multiple times over the course of multiple break-ups, but she was genuinely remorseful and admitted it to me, rather than me having to find out by my own devices.

She stopped, though, and eventually we spent two more years together with no cheating. We ended up breaking up for completely unrelated reasons.

vote-for2vote-against

Happened once in the past, it was easy to forgive them, but now down the road I think it was more a sign of future problems then anything else.

vote-for4vote-against

nope, once the trust and personal closness was was shared with someone else we'd be done.

vote-for10vote-against

Nope, Its over, well under certain circumstances.

If it is admitted here is the scoop. You can never go back. Its been done and will always be a scar on your relationship. It sucks but you are better off just breaking it off right then and there or you could spend a lifetime of a sucky marriage.

scenario 2 - If you cheat and its just once and you feel terrible and want to save your marriage DON'T TELL THEM!! I know people will disagree but ignorance is bliss and really the truth is you only admit the indiscretion to make yourself feel better (the hurt goes from your shame and feeling bad to making your spouse hurt) The only way to make it is to suck it up feel that pain and commit within yourself to never do it again but trust me if you blab and admit to your spouse well, good luck to ya cause its over at that point.

Disagree all you want but I speak the truth

vote-for4vote-against

I've always been straightforward in my relationships that I value a faithful partner above almost all other elements of a relationship. In the past I have not been inclined to give a second chance in the matter.

That said, I've only been married for around 7 years now. I can't say what I'd do in the future if it should happen, though I certainly hope it wouldn't.

vote-for6vote-against

If you had asked me twenty years ago I would have said, no never, nuh-uh. But years do make us wiser, or dumber, depending on your perspective. As someone that has been/is in those shoes. We try to work on it in hopes that it strengthens our relationship and use it as a tool to teach our children about forgiveness and the true work that goes into relationships.

Only time will tell and only ourselves to judge.

vote-for4vote-against

If they were cheating at scrabble... I could forgive. Chess... probably not.

The other kind of cheating- it's rarely a good idea. Usually it never works out after one cheats. Marriage is about trust. I've known couples try to continue afterwards but never known one to be happy afterwards.

vote-for6vote-against

I've been in this situation, and I forgave her (only for her to do it again a few years later); that's the last time I make that mistake.

vote-for3vote-against

Good question, I'm not sure I would be able to forgive though.

vote-for5vote-against

That would break my heart. We are closing in on 8 years and my spouse is my best friend. Don't know if I could get past that kind of betrayal but I would certainly try. Especially for the kids' sake. UGH! Even thinking about it makes me ill...

vote-for7vote-against

@silo11 : I think you hit the nail on the head here. I too have seen relationships get stronger afterwards when they work it out.

Since the question specifically mentions "spouse" as opposed to "girlfriend/boyfriend/SO/etc." then you also have to think about the nature of marriage: forever, or...? Personally, I'm in the forever camp. My parents divorced when I was young, and I don't believe either of them has been truly happy since then, even though they have both had relationships.

vote-for8vote-against

Once - Yes.

Twice - die in a fire.

vote-for5vote-against

No. I lived that ultimate breach of trust. I did forgive it the first time but it only empowered her to do it again with the same guy. So it's "one and I'm done."

vote-for4vote-against

I'm not married, so I'm unsure how I would react. But I'd like to think that if my husband did cheat but was truly repentant that I could forgive him.
I know a couple that survived an affair. It wasn't easy, but they did it. So I know it can be done. Thing is, I've seen more couples go the other way.

vote-for4vote-against

Once you lose my trust I think it would have to be over. If my husband cheated and I stayed with him, it would tear me up and eventually ruin my life.Would he be able to get over cheating, maybe, but not me, I would obsess over it. I just could not forgive a breach of my trust like that, not even for my kids. If you cheat goodbye, time to move on and eventually find someone worthy of me and my kids! Just my opinion.

vote-for3vote-against

Maybe, but only sometime after I've divorced her. If I found out my wife was cheating, I'd have the locks on the house changed before she could say "I'm sorr..".

vote-for4vote-against

There would definitely be broken trust, and the relationship would take a lot of time to be mended. But I would forgive.

vote-for5vote-against

No, because even if it happened only once it was not one mistake they made. You don't just look at somebody on the street and do it right there and then. Many conscious decisions will lead one in one's bed. Each of these decisions is a separate betrayal. Also, I won't help but picture it, and making love to that person again might be a hard thing to do.

vote-for1vote-against

On an off note, did you guys hear about Ryan Giggs (one of the most decorated English soccer players)? He was doing his brother's wife for 8 years!! How about them apples? What do you do in this situation?!

vote-for3vote-against

As long as she didn't get a disease or pregnant, absolutely!

vote-for5vote-against

Well, I guess it depends. If she were cheating with her hot best female friend, and both were OK with sharing, then I would forgive. That male fantasy aside, it is very problematic. This shows a very sincere unhappiness with the relationship, or an inability or unwillingness to comit. Both are major problems.

vote-for5vote-against

I went through it with a boyfriend, and forgave him several times. One of my biggest relationship mistakes. I think only rarely can someone who cheats stay with the person they cheated on and not find it easy to stray again.

vote-for7vote-against

Nope. Once a cheater always a cheater.
I don't know for a fact that would or wouldn't do it again, i just know they wouldn't get the opportunity to with me again.

I have never cheated. Been cheated on and had opportunities to cheat, but can't bring myself to it. I don't want someone to do it to me, so I can't do it to someone.

vote-for6vote-against

I haven't. It's not just the breach of trust, although that's unforgivable. It's the fact that he chose to sleep with someone in our social group and then wasn't even slightly subtle about it, and then acted like I was the one who was out of line for calling him on it. Private humiliation is bad enough, public humiliation was pretty danged close to a shooting offense. Not only am I not able to forgive him, I am not able to forgive myself for being so mistaken about who and what he was. It's the kind of emotional injury that scars.

vote-for4vote-against

No. For a few reasons. 1) Trust is everything. If you're going to cheat on me, divorce me first. 2) I'd never be able to be intimate with that woman again without thinking about her with what ever guy she cheated on me with.

vote-for2vote-against

I don't think I could forgive. Not only besides having "Scotty Doesn't Know" playing though my head and feeling like a putz, I don't think I would ever be able to fully trust again. As stated above, too many steps went into the cheating and each level would be a dagger.

vote-for1vote-against

When you are in love with someone, you don't cheat. It is that simple. I have been in both situations. I cheated on my first husband after finding out he cheated on me. Of course, I left him right after. That was the plan.

I can honestly say I never loved my first husband. I got married at 18 having no clue what I wanted to do with my life except having a lot of kids. I married for stability, and because as a good baptist girl, you don't have babies out of wedlock.

My husband now, never gonna happen. Been married for 6 1/2 years now and together for 10, and it is better than when it started. Gets better everyday.

vote-for4vote-against

Married at 18, after 7 years, 10 years of dating, I forgave. Does it make the love stronger? Im not sure, it can make you get very close to the other, trying to figure out how to move forward in life and overcome the trust between eachother...but honestly it does take a piece of you that you will find you never get back.

vote-for3vote-against

I tried when mine did. Tried for 6 months and then I decided to leave him. We were together 10 years and have 2 kids together, so it was a super hard decision, but in the end, I just couldn't get over it. He should have said no....that's all there is to it.

vote-for2vote-against

This thread made me think of a joke I like:

A man wakes up home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:
Honey, Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

TBC

vote-for3vote-against

Cont'd

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and also clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that ! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME ! I'M MARRIED !'"

vote-for1vote-against

I have seen people in a then 15yr relationship fight tooth an nail to get back on track, now I think they are more in love than they ever were before and have now been together 30yrs.

I would like to say that I could forgive my husband anything. But I also cannot begin to imagine a situation that would end with him or I cheating.